Summer’s End

on September 21, 2012

I could go crazy on a night like tonight
When summer’s beginning to give up her fight
And every thought’s a possibility
And voices are heard but nothing is seen

Indigo Girls “Mystery”

This is the last day of summer. Fall starts tomorrow. I love this time of year. There’s a certain time of magic in the air. A lot of people look to the Spring for renewal but I’ve always looked to this time of year. The leaves are starting to change their colors. It puts me in a proper frame of mind to change myself.

I need change. I’ve had a few fucked up years. I’m sure I’ll talk more about it as the days and weeks go by. But, as fucked up as my life as become, there’s always a chance at renewal. Possibility is within my grasp.

I’m a lost boy. I’ve lost myself over the years. I’ve been wandering around in the dark but I see light on the horizon. It’s darkest right before the dawn. Now I’m trying to find myself, a monumental task.

At first I thought I wanted a return. I have returned to writing but I haven’t returned to the way things were. I couldn’t even if I wanted. Life is about moving forward, not looking backward. I thought I could re-establish the old way of doing things but why should I be bound by the old ways of doing, old structures and framework that obviously didn’t work the first time. There a few traditions that I take with me into the light but I consider this new phase as having a blank slate.

I’m focusing on balance. I need to get back to basics and back to the heart of things. I feel that I’ve torn myself apart. Over the years I’ve compartmentalized my life. I’ve kept the different aspects of my authentic self apart. My friends know one Brad. My family knows a completely different Brad. There was work Brad and church Brad and drunk Brad and horny Brad and a Brad for every situation thrown my way. I’m all of these Brads and so many more. But I need to find a way to align them, to find a balance so I can be one Brad, the best Brad I can be, the Brad I was born to be.

I know that people don’t like change. Change fucks everything up. But change is vital. We have to adapt or die. Let me be clear. This is about finding me. It has nothing to do with anyone but myself. My happiness, my well-being isn’t dependent on anybody but me. I need to get back to the basics. I need pull myself together and fix what needs fixing. I have to lay a new foundation that will allow me to build a new life for myself. I’ll still be me and I still have your back if you have mine. But all the fuckery has to change. And change starts with me.


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